Depression Support

Hello from a New Member

Thu, 02 May 2019 03:07:56 GMT

Posted by: jazzyjj

Greetings everyone. I just joined this comm today. I don't have any mental-health issues at least for now, but I have friends who do and I want to learn more about mental health. So I hope it's all right for me to be here. If anyone just needs to talk or whatever, hit me up over at my journal and I'll write back. Here's a little about myself. I was diagnosed at 6 months with a somewhat rare eye condition called Leber's Congenital Amaurosis. I'm not exactly sure of the technical details, but it has something to do with the retina. I have only been able to sense light and dark all my life. I'm currently seeking employment, probably somewhere in the tech industry. Like I mentioned I don't know much about mental-health issues, but I managed to take some psychology classes and thoroughly enjoyed them. Unfortunately, some friends committed suicide, but I've managed to move on with my life despite the pain.

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Psychotic and recurrent depression

Wed, 30 Jan 2019 21:04:50 GMT

Posted by: 42kg

Hello, all.

I have a bunch of diagnoses: borderline personality disorder, recurrent depression disorder, derealization disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder and psychotic depression and I take four different medications (aripiprazole, alprazolam, fluoxetine and desvenlafaxine). I was commited to a mental hospital four months ago, and I got the diagnosis of psychotic depression. Eventually I got better and got out of the hospital in December.

But now all the brain fuckery is coming back to me.

Do any of you have any experience with these diagnoses?

I can't think of what to do with myself anymore. I have therapy twice a week, I go to psychiatrist appointments regularly, I take the meds the right way, but I don't ever get better. I have been dealing with this bullshit since I was a 16. I'm 25 now.

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Thank god I found this site

Fri, 02 Sep 2016 05:47:53 GMT

Posted by: myreceiptsbox

I tried to go to the Depression community at LiveJournal today only to find it was deleted. God, how can you do something like that to people who are struggling and need support? Thankfully I pretty much went to Google and typed in "livejournal shut down depression community, what do I do now?" and found out about the whole Strikethrough & Boldthrough mess in 2007 which led to Dreamwidth.

I have seen Dreamwidth around before of course, but idk why I always thought it was fanfiction stories site. I never even suspected it might be a replacement in response to LiveJournal.

I have entries to write on here but I will save them for the weekend when I have more time to explore this new site. Just wanted to say hey, from an errant LiveJournaler who didn't know how badly he was getting screwed by that obsolete junk site. :)

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working up the energy to go for a short slow run

Tue, 21 Apr 2015 06:49:01 GMT

Posted by: meowdate

Hello, All,

I hope that I can be of some help here, whilst I also try to help myself. I have been working to overcome abuse from my childhood, and find both meaning and a personal non-angry reason to live life. I have struggled with suicidal depression since I was 12 years old, and found, at the time, anger to be one way (no, not the best, but the only option I had at the time, given the circumstances) to cope. Now, at 46, it is very very difficult to find another way, but I must, and so I keep plugging away.
Todays's nagging question:
When one has lived fueled by anger over the past 30 years, how does one learn to live for happiness, for freedom, rather than for revenge, or to repair a broken system? If there were no world in need of fixing, what would there be to live for, and how does one find that purpose and joy?

ShiraDest
April 12015 HE (Holocene/Human Era)

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Tue, 06 Jan 2015 02:07:28 GMT

Posted by: richey

I was going to ask for help, but it's kind of pointless, isn't it? What should one say when another person is suicidal? "Don't do it"? "Think about everyone else"? I have been dancing this thing for years. To try or not to try. Yeah, I have talked out two people of doing it. Doesn't matter. The urge never go away. One day you want to live. One day you want to die. One day you don't want anything.

Today an angry cis feminist said I was "disrespecting" her by saying that I feel threatened by most feminists because they are cis straight and not really welcoming of trans people. You may know the talking. "You 'want to be a man' because you are misogynistic", "You can't be a woman, you can't experience being a woman because you have a dick", "What's with non-binary? You are either with us or against us", et al. Although she was angry at my cynicism too. Apparently I am being disrespectful if I say "cisplaining" or "Not All Feminists®" (her words were "feminism is not like that", that really sounds like "Not All ___®").

Anyway.

For some reason, that was it. I bursted out crying and cried more and more when I realised I was completely alone because I didn't have my blades or anyone to talk to. I've been just spilling words on my partner's and friend's whatsapp accounts, going offline and only seeing their replies hours or days later because I'm afraid they will just tell me to grow up already, I will be 21 this year and absolutely nothing is better.

I know I am not getting better. I know I will end up with a crappy job I hate, if I will have a job at all, alone, rotting away in my parents' house having to ask for money to buy medicine or not taking anything at all. Either that or homeless because I just want to run away but I have nowhere to go to.

I could blame an ocean of things: my ovaries being themselves, my binders that don't bind enough, creativity block, being too depressed to do anything, frequent and unbearable fear of being in the dark and going to sleep (yes, i'm afraid of going to sleep, hooray), the fact that I can't cut myself, the recent trans suicides (I don't really think that 'recent' belongs here because we kill ourselves basically every week or so and no one gives a shit). But the problem is me. I'm obsessed with death. I can't get it out of my head since I discovered what it really is. And with my frequent dissociations death doesn't really seem bad, what is there to make me sure that I'm alive, that I exist, that I'm not dreaming right now? I'm not really bothered by the idea of hell; if there is one, I deserve it.

I don't feel there is really something anyone could say to make me stop wanting to die. If I breath, everything turns to dust. Everything is frivolous, vain, empty of meaning.

"Things just went wrong too many times".

Must be the Werther effect or something. I'm really pathetic.

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Mon, 08 Dec 2014 13:30:31 GMT

Posted by: richey

Today my father said that when he looks back to the time his depression was worse, he notices that "it isn't that hard to get over it". And today again he said that I must get better, better, better because not only I'm taking "too many pulls", I'm also breaking his finances because quetiapine costs around BRL$900 (a bit more than USD$350, no kidding here).

Here in Brazil we have universal health care, but it's really fucking shit. I can get quetiapine with no cost, but I have to give them a form stating that I have schizophrenia and that I am mentally disabled and thus I can't do anything by myself. That's basically what the form says. I can't sign it, my mother has to do it because of course all people with mental illness can't do shit (and when they can, they put other in danger) and everyone has a mother to take care of them.

This bloody form, my father saying I'm not trying hard enough, my teachers looking at me like I'm a slacker with no future because I'm unable to study, my landlords threatening to evict me, my roommate going away because of my pills and a razor being around, every friend of mine saying that they can't stand being around me because I never get better - it's a bit too much. The shittier part is that I can't even sleep it off because I've been having terrible, terrible nightmares and every time I wake up, I'm sweating like a horse and feeling like I'm drowning. Let's add that to the dissociations.

Life would be much easier to everyone if I just didn't exist. I can't say whether I'm suicidal or just want to run away. But running away won't fix it. Death would.

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Wed, 03 Dec 2014 21:33:02 GMT

Posted by: richey

i've been losing the grasp of everything. i don't know what is real and what isn't. i don't know if the person that i talked to yesterday was actually there or if i dreamed it. i can't tell if i sent my essay to the grad gal or even if i did it. i feel like i can't absorb any information.

but i can't tell if i'm real. i can't tell if these hands are mine. i don't feel them. i don't feel anything. today i was in therapy and i realised that i'd lost half of what the therapist said because i felt i wasn't there.

not even pain makes me feel real. alcohol doesn't burn my throat. food tastes like nothing. i dont even feel the urge to smoke. my mind feels heavy, but i feel like i can't rest. it's not stress. i don't know if i'm sleeping either because i can't tell whether i'm dreaming or those things are memories.

i'm terrified. but at the same time i don't feel anything.

how come i can't have a good day? i've never had a good day in the last 8 years that i can remember. how is that possible? what the fuck is so wrong about me? i have no reason to be like this. i have absolutely no reason.

(i should have died when i was born, though. and in the 5 months after that. maybe my "soul" went away and this left broken, shady, barely-working looking-glass inside this shell of decaying flesh)

i don't feel human. i don't think i'm human.

god, i have so much to do. three seminars, two tests, two essays. but how can i wrap my head around anything if nothing feels real?

i should find another place to write/annoy.

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Fri, 28 Nov 2014 19:02:18 GMT

Posted by: richey

I can't get suicide out of my head.

I can't do anything. I can't go to bed because I know I won't sleep and will just keep looking around counting how many ways I can kill myself without leaving the room (7 so far). I can't take a xanax because I know I will take every pill. I can't take a bath because I'm so disgusted with myself, not only because of my horrid body, but because of my mind and purely because I'm human. I truly want to be a rock.

I don't know what is going on. I've been taking my meds as I should, I don't skip any of them anymore, I'm sleeping (but having terrible nightmares every night). I just feel so anxious and depressed all the time. And guilty and embarassed. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone because I just feel guilty and I have the impression that everyone is just so fucking tired of my bullshit because I never get better, I will never get better, nobody wants to hear about my depression, nobody wants to know how I'm feeling, nobody wants to help, I doesn't matter if I die nobody will notice nobody will miss me everyone is much better off without me.

I keep telling myself "I just want to live, no matter how miserable it is" (it's a line from a manic street preachers song, I can't remember exactly which), but I don't have the will to live, I don't know how to live, I don't know how to talk to people, I make everyone hates me, I'm fairly certain my best friend hates me and wants me gone, I know for a fact that most people don't want to be near me because I'm a fucking walking trigger.

My roommate moved out because I take tons of medicine and self-harm.

My landlady threatened to evict me because I'm too depressed, because I self-harm and people think I will stab them with my blade. The fact that I'm so depressed became a running joke on my English class, and the blade became one on the Russian class. I don't know what else to tell my therapist because there is nothing else to tell her. Everything is frivolous.

I feel like I don't belong here. I literally feel like walking through a glass corridor on the street, in the house, at college because everything seems too unreal, I can't connect, I can't.

I can't talk to anybody. I'm too anxious for that. I'm too depressed for that. Nobody would want to listen to me. Nobody has anything to say.

I cut and dye my hair, I keep telling myself that next year I will start H therapy but why try to change my outside if I DON'T FEEL I HAVE A BODY I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING THAT IS BEYOND MY MIND because I'm so fucking deep inside this pit I can't climb up and nobody wants to help me because they don't want to see how rotten I am, because they get angry they can't help me because I'm beyond any help.

I want to cut out my eyes so I can stay in the dark forever I want to tear off all my flesh and break my bones I want to smash my heart and set fire to my lungs I want to swallow a razorblade I want to break the mirror with my head

I cant concentrate. I need to study. I desperately need to study but it doesn't matter because I will never finish college anyway. I will kill myself first or drop out because the only thing I'm able to do is run away and that's because I don't have a fucking job I don't know how to do anything I too dumb to know anything I will never be anything in life because there is nothing to me except for this shit. No matter how badly I want to write I can't.

I should be better. I'm 20 for fuck's sake. I should stop acting like a child.

I'm not afraid of the reality, father. I'm not. I never was. I just have stared too much at it and now nothing makes sense anymore.

Why am I so broken while my sister is so damn perfect? What did I do wrong? Why is it so bad if want to die if there is nothing for me in life, there is nothing for me to do with this. Why I can't keep self-harming? It doesn't hurt anyone else. It's just pain, it's just scars, it's nothing.

I'm sorry for everything. If I could I would have done it better, I would be a better person. But I'm barely a person. I don't feel like one. I'm not one. I'm Depression. Keep away from me, your life will really improve.

Everything is so much better without me in it.

(im sorry for posting here. i know that screaming to the world that i'm fucked up doesn't do shit and i know i should keep quiet and act normal. i'm so sorry)

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hello

Sun, 28 Sep 2014 20:40:23 GMT

Posted by: gate

I found this community through a friend and I think that sharing my feelings with this community can be a good idea.

( Read more... )

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Sigh.

Sun, 28 Sep 2014 19:38:51 GMT

Posted by: richey

Well, the last four posts are mine and honestly I think nobody reads anything I write, so I might as well write here.

Like one of my former partners said, I can't take a fucking hint. I can't tell when people are acting like they care because they actually care or if they are acting like that because they just don't know what to do and saying "get lost, I'm tired of you" seems too harsh on someone oh-so-sad-and-desperate like me.

The good thing is that now I act like nobody really cares, so I don't trouble myself trying to read people. I don't know how to read people in the first place, mind you, I prefer books because they are more sincere and entertaining and people most of the time, especially when socialisation is outside of the internet, are fucking hypocrites. We all are, come on. We all tell at least a little lie every day. If someone comes and ask you how you are doing, you are going to say you are fine, thank you and you? And that's probably the lie. Mine is, at least. Then there is a bit of small-talk and you talk about something in your lives that is personal but not that personal as, say, an illness. You talk about how you are literally two years behind in college, like how bad some teacher is or, because it's the time, about the upcoming election. You make juvenile jokes. And that's it.

Then one day you get out of class in a hurry because you are having a panic attack and someone, via facebook, asks you what's wrong. You tell them you have issues with depression and anxiety. They say "if you need my help, please tell me". And this is not spoken about since then.

I think we all are familiar with this situation, right? And it happens with everything, even when someone just has a throat infection or a broken leg. "We are here in case you need anything".

Like hell you are.

You are here to make yourself better.

(TW for self-harm, suicide)

( Read more... )

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FIlms

Fri, 16 May 2014 16:19:08 GMT

Posted by: richey

I'm not even in the mood to post anything, but if I don't do this I will just postpone it and forget.

Recently I came across a norwegian film called Oslo 31. August. It's based on a French book by Pierre Drieu La Rochelle and it's a version of two films: The Fire Within and Le Fel Follet. I didn't see these last ones, I still plan to, but the point is: I think Oslo 31. August captured very well depression and addiction, without the Healing Love®, I'm Magically Better Because Someone Told Me to Be Better®, I Found Jesus® tropes (I've really got nothing against religion if it makes you better it just that it doesn't work for me or most of the people I know).

I was going to ask here if any of you know of films about depression that are actually accurate about the illness (especially films that don't have love stories because I'm really sick of them). I know I should stop being "lazy" and, you know, just search but I don't even have motivation and energy to get out of bed these days, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Sorry.

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-

Wed, 30 Apr 2014 22:07:20 GMT

Posted by: richey

Dear mental illness(es)

[x] (tw for rape in the lyrics)

I hope I can find it.
I hope one day I can find myself outside of you.

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you must be wanting to punch my face

Sun, 27 Apr 2014 19:30:13 GMT

Posted by: richey

( tw: self-harm )

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Uh

Mon, 21 Apr 2014 23:07:14 GMT

Posted by: richey

I feel like I'm spamming this community, sorry sorry sorry.
The cut is basically rambling so you can skip that. There's a question after it.

( tw: suicide and self-harm. also possibly bad english )

The question:
Is it okay for me to use the word "neuroatypical" to refer to myself? I read that it only applies to people that are autistic, but I saw many non-autistic people that have mental illness use this word to refere to themselves. I feel like at least in my language (portuguese) the expression "mentally ill" has a very offensive connotation (I can't really compare it to a slur, but I think you get the picture). I ask that because I want a simpler way to say to people "Hi, I have depression, social anxiety and self-destructive behaviour" before they add my journal or request to follow me on twitter. Thoughts?

And again, I'm really sorry for post so much here,

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advertising ferriswheelwritings

Sat, 19 Apr 2014 06:37:05 GMT

Posted by: laughingballerina

Mods, please delete this entry if this kind of advertising isn't allowed.

I recently made the community ferriswheelwritings as a safe place for people who suffer from depression and bipolar disorder to express themselves in writing. It's meant as a community for writers who approach their mental health issues through their writing and as a place to give and receive feedback on those writings. As long as they follow the rules, everyone is welcome and I'd love to see anyone who likes the idea and could find it useful join. If there are any questions, please feel free to ask them in comments to this entry or in PMs to this journal. I'll do my best to answer.

Thank you for your consideration and for a very helpful community here.

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A question

Fri, 21 Mar 2014 23:57:25 GMT

Posted by: richey

I wanted to ask if any of you had or have any dissociation episodes or things like that.

The things is I don't know if I should ask it here because I'm not 100% sure I have depression, my psychiatrist didn't give me any diagnosis since I started the treatment, I think it's because it's only been 9 months. But last week I ran out of one of my meds and didn't sleep for two days and even today (I'm on the meds again) I have this weird thing of "blacking out" for some minutes, like literally losing myself on time - i.e. in class I'm trying to pay attention on the professor but then when I realize they are on a completely different topic than what I remember listening to - and in the morning I usually have to take some time to realize that I was actually dreaming and even during the day I can't tell if what I'm thinking was a dream or a real memory.

Sorry if it's too confusing, I don't even know how to explain this in portuguese.

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Reassurance, please?

Sun, 15 Sep 2013 00:32:29 GMT

Posted by: kaberett

( Antidepressants, change in manufacturers, life stress. )

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Songs

Tue, 03 Sep 2013 18:11:48 GMT

Posted by: richey

I wanted to ask you, out of curiosity:

Is there any song you relate to your depression? Mine would be My Little Empire, by Manic Street Preachers.

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hi again

Tue, 27 Aug 2013 17:34:11 GMT

Posted by: richey

(getting things off my chest, if i may do this here)

forget love, chocolate or whatever should make you feel better. meds, when they work, are the best things in the world.
when they work.

i feel like they are not working for me anymore. i mean, my anxiety is better, that's great, but what do i do with this loneliness, emptiness and sadness that just won't go away? i thought i was supposed to get better not like... this, whatever this is.

i feel like i need more friends. but i don't know how to make friends and in the moment people realize that i'm not a "happy person" or a "positive influence" they just go away. people always go away.

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Um... Hi?

Sun, 28 Jul 2013 13:50:50 GMT

Posted by: richey

(this post contains triggers such as self-harm and suicide, hence the read more. i also apologize for my english, if i may)

( Read more... )

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Hi

Sun, 28 Jul 2013 01:43:21 GMT

Posted by: shinyshoes

I'd love to see some action on this community, because I'm sure lots of people need it.

I have refractory depression (depression that has not been successfully treated with medication), or possibly BP2, for the nearly thirty years. I have had suicidal ideation, or have been actively suicidal, for much of that time.

I'd love it if others like me (or even those less severe than me) would post more. It would give support that I can't get anywhere else.

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Reaching Out...

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 20:10:46 GMT

Posted by: teacupgold

... the only way I know how.

It is a long post I wrote in my journal regarding what I am going through right now. Trigger Warning: Mentions of stillbirth and abuse.

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I, um, made you a things

Thu, 09 May 2013 15:55:46 GMT

Posted by: kaberett

SO HYPERBOLE AND A HALF UPDATED.

... and I promptly did a rush job on turning it into icons. Uh.

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Telling your boss

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 17:23:46 GMT

Posted by: bluflamingo

I just moved to a new job a couple of weeks ago, and in some ways I think it's helping with my depression - the hours are better, the work is less draining, the people have a strong sense of work/life balance (I'm not allowed to work through my lunch break! I have to leave by 6!)

But I'm still struggling to get out of bed in the morning, I still feel so tired and weepy and like I can't pull it together. I keep saying to my mum that I just feel wrong - I don't know how else to explain it.

I want to tell my boss, even though I'm not sure how she can help, or even if she can. But I feel like I'm going to fail here if I don't. I don't know how though - I didn't mention it in my application, so now it'll seem like I lied or tricked them into hiring me, and if she asks what I need from her I don't know the answer. Can anyone suggest anything I can try?

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...well, here we go again.

Sun, 28 Oct 2012 05:00:23 GMT

Posted by: party_of1

i made an obnoxious ass of myself again.

this time, it's 2 different happenings. the first one was at my lj. i posted that i had been looking for a fanfic that i had read a long time ago, and this girl found it, and had offered to email it to me. i got through the first 3 parts, then when i asked for the next part she hadn't sent it yet. basically, i annoyed the ever-loving snot out of her, asking for the next part, and i havent heard from her since last year july. finally, last night i worked up the guts to send her an apology note. she still hasnt said anything. not that she got the note, not that that's not what happened, nothing. but i do sorta know that that's what happened (me annoying her). for whatever it's worth, she has not taken me off her Friends List; she's either putting it off, or doesnt plan to, in which case i better not press my luck.

the second one is about my semi-new tumblr page. personally, i have made around 70-something posts, and only have one follower. i follow several pages, but mostly this Avengers roleplayer. i kept talking to their character, then inevitably, i said something stupid and weird to the character and the roleplayer stopped responding to anything i posted after that. like the other situation, i sent an apology note for being obnoxious, and unfollowed them to avoid winding up getting 'blocked' in the future. and they, like the lj girl, have not responded.

now im mentally kicking myself asking why i say stupid things, and hoping they're not warning everyone they know about me, and wondering if i should quit tumblr and lj and the other sites i joined, since everywhere i go i eventually make people not want to have anything to do with me. i mean, i already do it in real life; why do i need to do it online too?.

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